Hi, T4!
Here’s your sneak preview of Emma’s audiobook. I’m biased, but I think it’s an absolute banger!
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This bonus content was brought to you with the kind permission of Two Taps Audio.
Transcript
Marry Me or Die
by Larissa Daps
read by Loretta Steel
Prologue
The Horn of Longing sounds, and the palanquin is moved into position. The curtains billow in the breeze and for a fleeting second I see the Sweeping Steps and a sombre crowd. The curtain falls back into place and I am once more in the dark. To my right, the Weeping Wall sends forth hundreds of barrels of fresh water per minute, to my left, the castle defence towers groan as the ballistas rotate. I make no noise; I have done enough to disturb this land’s hard-won peace.
The time comes. The curtain parts. I step forward into Matrimony Plaza.
Velvet rope separates me from crowds ten-deep.
I see guards, priests, and my protectors. I see no heroes.
The heroes have fallen; I do the same. There is a gasp from the peasants.
Benry, the Frankish assassin, appears by my side. He lifts me and though he remains impassive, the amusement in his voice is unmistakeable.
‘I thought you didn’t want to get married.’
‘I don’t.’
‘Then why are you in sorrow?’
‘I weep for the mothers who have lost their children.’
‘Those mothers will know their sons died doing what they loved – trying to get into your pants.’
I glare at him. ‘Remind me, Benry, why my father spared your life? It wasn’t for your sense of decorum.’
‘No,’ he says, suddenly tense. ‘But for my sense of hearing. Guards!’
Tension fills the peaceful site, then comes a cry. ‘Up above!’
There are screams. I almost panic. Dragons?
‘Ballistae, ready!’
‘Hold!’ demands Benry, while running across a row of archers, pushing down their bows. ‘Hold fast, damn you!’
I watch in a state of pure stupefaction as something draws close. It’s like no dragon ever seen in a tapestry. It flies, but its wings beat not. It dips, and like a crow dropping a shell to crack it open, the beast drops a large package, which rolls and unbends into the shape of a man.
He has broad shoulders, a jawline so defined it could be in the dictionary, hair like kelp, eyes the colour of snowblossom seeds.
He waves at the not-dragon. ‘Thanks for the lift, Briggo! I owe you one. Ahahaha!’
The man slaps his abs with both hands and I’m amazed to realise that he’s covered in deep bites and gruesome scratches. ‘Are you…?’
‘Hungry?’ he says. ‘I’m famished! Turns out, you can’t eat treasure!’ He tugs on a belt and hundreds of jewels drop around his feet, one smelf wide and six fark deep. He bends and plucks something large and red. ‘Anyone got scran? I can pay.’ He laughs again and looks around as though he has never been in the plaza before, but of course he has. He was one of the contestants. The most annoying, obnoxious one.
Benry is intrigued. ‘You’re Max Quest, from Mankreich. But how did you survive the vampire bears?’
‘That’s an amazing story,’ says the hero. ‘I’ll tell you at lunch.’ His gaze takes him on yet another journey, this one starting from the waterfall, going to the city, and ending on my chest. ‘But first, I reckon I’ve got a wedding to attend. Where’s the nearest chapel?’ He looks me in the eyes and grins wickedly. ‘And then, where’s the nearest bed?’