Even after a successful season, Max Best’s work is never done.
Voicemail from RR
Email from Secretary Joe
We got the fixtures for next season! I’m attaching them. Exciting but look at all those away days at the start! That’s scary.
Max
Thanks, bro! You’re a ledge. Remember what we said – home disadvantage. We’ll turn our oppo’s crowd against them. Don’t sweat it.
Two juicy home games to finish the season! Shame we’ll have won the league by then.
Joe
It’s bad luck to talk like that!
Max
We’ll win the league by 100 points and your superstitions can’t stop me!
Joe
Maths and logic can, though.
Email from Grindhog
Max,
As per your request – a bold, bright away kit concept. Let me know what you think.
Ken.
Max’s Reply
Ken, the brief was to create something that would have steam coming out of the ears of gammons. I want the tops of their heads to be blown three inches skywards. This is a decent start. Now look at your control panel. The slider that says ‘Elton John-ness’ – slide that to the maximum. The switch labeled ‘Accusations of Wokeness Safety Protocols’ – flip that OFF.
I want complaints. I want gasps. I want someone to be so outraged that a male footballer would wear the kit that his fucking eyes fall out.
Ken
I’m hearing the word ‘lurid’. I’m on it.
Email from MD
Max,
Pursuant to your latest tantrum I have prepared a small document that tallies all the money you spent since you became DoF.
<< Read it and weep. I know I did. >>
Email from Henri
Maaaaaxxxx!
I need your help. Maman and I simply cannot decide which direction to take. We tried it her way (bad) and my way (incredible) but I cannot believe she doesn’t prefer my version!
Please compare these images. The winner will go in magazines and onto gigantic billboards and the usual. Oh, can we rent the one in Chester? That would be apt, would it not?
I won’t tell you which is mine because it is SURELY OBVIOUS!!!!
Number One
Number Two
Max
Henri, mate. They’re both interesting in their own way.
I like the moodiness of the greyscale one but you can’t see Angel’s face. I mean, I can imagine it being part of one of your progression fantasy things where you start off by NOT seeing her and in about eight years there’s a face reveal and a big media hype around that moment. Only problem is… we know her face.
The second one is the one I’d use if I was trying to sell perfume. It has the advantage of showing the face of the beautiful woman you are paying, plus it tells us who the product is made by. That seems important.
In neither case do you show a perfume bottle.
Henri
Showing the product is gauche. We do not sell glass bottles; we sell dreams.
Email from Joe Anka
Hi boss,
You know the drill! I’ve once again updated the Player Manager Spotify playlist based on what the lads tell me about your latest team talks, manias, and Maxterplans. From The Beatles to Bach, Sophie to Harry to Rebecca.
I know you refuse to use Spotify because artists get three cents per billion streams, but if you’re driving around Canada you might want some songs that stir memories. Or Emma can play The Black Keys on a loop like she normally does!
Message from Canada u23 midfielder Kwame Awuah
Video not showing? Click here!
Email from Brooke
Max,
Got an unusual opportunity via a friend of Magnus Evergreen. The friend’s company make custom tarot cards and they think it would be fun to do a set with Chester players and staff. This is one of those times I have no idea how you will react.
Does tarot go on the same pile as gambling sponsors, dynamic pricing, and apricots? What would you like me to do?
Max
Tarot is fine. Done well, it’s just a way to access the subconscious. Done badly it’s a scam, of course, but the same could be said about apricots. I’d be happy to partner with local creatives.
Can we see a demo or something?
Email from Spectrum
Max, lol, guess what?
Remember Wrexham launched their new AI chatbot to great fanfare? I think it’s working a little too well!
Email from Henri
You might hear rumours that I have written a book and that you are a major character and you might think I have used you without your consent.
It is not true. Please disregard any such foolishness. The notion is absurd on so many levels.
Text from Pascal
Gaffer, Tiggy was teasing me about how I would ‘handle myself’ in a room full of women. I laughed it off but later had a panic attack. I wrote to Mia Gyau, an American u20 defender who loves Chesterness, and asked for advice. What do you think? Is she right? I’m attaching her message.
Video not showing? Click here!
Max
Good advice. Just remember that you’re the boss and sometimes you will have to put your foot down. Mate, you don’t need to worry. All the women want is for you to take the matches as seriously as they do. Prepare like a maniac, distil your instructions into as few sentences as possible, give them a platform to win. They will forgive some stupid things you do if you are coming from a place of commitment and motivation. Does Tiggy know you’re texting cute Americans?
Email from Brooke
For your consideration.
Max’s Reply
Hard yes. My yes is so hard! Wow. I want to see the others!
Minor quibble. They’ve given me Henri’s hair. It suits him but, you know, mine is better.
As I said, minor quibble but also a total dealbreaker. If they fix it I’ll promote the shit out of that set.
Text from Sandra
Boss, I know you don’t want to hear about garbage being posted on social media but I thought you might find this one funny. Remember we were joking about all the people who want you to be either a player or a manager but not both?
Max
Yeah. Too much player. Too much manager. Both can be true at the same time, apparently.
Sandra
I think this fellow is trying to say he was happy you didn’t play much near the end of the season.
Max
Player Manager. The clue’s in the title, mate.
Sandra
Title?
Max
Job title.
Sandra
Right. Of course.
Women’s Team WhatsApp Group
From Dani Smith-Smithe
Dear Max Boss
lollll so funny I’m on top form today
Kisi
Uh-oh! Dani’s had too much sugar.
Dani
lolll Kisi you’re so hilare.
But guys EMERGENCY. Max! Boss! Pay attention!
You don’t want to hear about shit we read on Facebook because it’s bad for us but I’ve got deaf groups and Harry Styles communities and all that. While I was checking out the latest rumours (OMG EMMA DID YOU SEE WHAT I PUT IN THE OTHER CHAT? 1D REUNION?! WTF SERIOUSLY BE STILL MY BEATING HEART!!!!?) an ad popped up. I couldn’t believe my eyes!
I got Tyson and his dad on the case and they worked out how to save the file. I’m going to paste it here. Hope this works.
Charlotte
I haven’t voluntarily read a book since I left school but I clicked buy on that so hard my screen cracked. I already know I’m going to want, like, at least 13 sequels!
Credits
This weirdness was possible with the help of
- Ted Steel
- Loretta Steel
- Nuisance Cat Steel
- Overprepared GM
- Urland
- Nid
- Greenstar
- Emery
- You!